And life goes on

On the 22nd of December 2017 I was offered a short temporary role as a Contractor, they will never know they saved my life. 


I’m afraid I think I did a rubbish job because my emotional state was precarious, but they saw something in me and extended the position for a little bit longer and that enabled me to financially survive and it pushed me past my birthday leaving me with no option but to keep going for another year. I’d already been and cried all over the doctor and been dosed up on antidepressants so I was able to cope fairly well on a day to day basis. I still had problems dealing with added stress though, I was very quick to snap, and gradually I became almost hysterical. I was so angry and frustrated with something random my child was doing, and yet when trying to be firm and tell her off I would find myself practically laughing even though the words didn’t fit with that. My poor kid didn’t know what was going on, her behaviour was dreadful and the signals I gave were all wrong. I went back to the doctor and increased my dosage until I was emotionally numb.

I’d tried a bit of counselling during my marriage and early on after the divorce but I found being open was hard, I thought people would worry about my child’s safety and I didn’t want that. At no point would I ever have harmed her, she was the only reason for living. Also, the majority of counsellors work normal working hours and with me working every hour god sends it proved difficult to keep going. The final one I saw said to me that I should keep going because, in her words, I was high risk as a high functioning long term depressive. Still, I briefly gave it another go. The thing that came out of it was the fact that I absolutely know why I am screwed up, I have every right to be screwed up, everything I have been through is ‘real’, and sadly I can find no way to change 50 plus years of training.

I still comfort eat and hate being fat.

I hate being lonely but can’t stand the thought of going out.

I want to be happy but don’t know how.

I stopped trying to be ‘more’ than I now am, I ceased trying to get back my old life. I tried to stop being frustrated and bitter at the fact that my career had been stopped and I’d almost lost everything. I accepted that this is me now, and I realised that I had an affordable roof over my head, a serviceable car that got me where I needed to go, and a child who just needed me to be there for her. Life became easier for me, I took a less stressful job, a much lower salary but a lot less travelling. I don’t have to force myself to do anything I don’t have to do, I still turn down almost every invitation or if I accept I generally find a later excuse, but I am comfortable with that. I’ve even taken on more community responsibilities because I am capable if not friend material. I also stopped trying to make plans around my child’s father, the arguments over whether he told me something or not were put to bed by creating an online shared spreadsheet. Communicating in writing and just making my plans and telling him rather than negotiating with him. I have come a long way, but the dysthymia remains, the pills are still being taken and my plans pretty much revolve around getting my child to 21, after that we will see what’s left for me, I still have the original plan I just need something to keep me going each year to stop me doing anything.

Over time I have become 'calm', I don't know how else to describe it. I am satisfied with what I do, can do, and will do. Not overly happy or sad, I treat each new fork in the road as a puzzle and just work my way through it. Long may this last.