The fear is.....

The fear is that people who know you may one day read your deepest, darkest secrets and either see you in a different light, or worse, not believe you or your point of view.

The first few posts on here were written at speed, (and reproduced as a data dump after changing blog provider) so excuse the poor writing skills and spelling errors, but there was a desperate need to ‘get it out there’. However, now that I’ve ‘spilled the beans’ I find myself constantly in fear of being discovered, have I said too much? Will people see me differently when they know it is me? Do I sound like a complete whingebag or is there enough without being self pitying?

It is a fact that everyone is different and I can’t expect everyone who reads this to have the same mindset, so let me say this, please understand that whilst I want some acknowledgment and for people to understand what made me the way I am, I also know that many people go through so much more and smile all the way through. It is therefore in my make up to be a realistic pessimist, I fully expect people to take advantage of me and fall into the trap easily, I most likely attract those types because they can sense the vulnerability and the expectation in me. There are numerous times I have tried on alternative personalities, I’ve moved around enough for this to be possible, with new pools of potential friends and colleagues. It never works, and whilst I have changed a lot over the years the basics stay the same. I probably come across as stand offish, organised, busy and capable. In reality I am nervous of people and don’t know how to socially interact without acute embarrassment, needing lists to be organised because my brain is foggy, I keep busy to stop myself from feeling overwhelmed and over analysing, and as for capability, yes, yes I am a very capable person, just think how capable I could be if I was ‘whole’.

The joys of Imposter syndrome are rife, how on earth I ended up as a Director I have no idea, since I crashed and burned I am far happier with a lower level role but I still feel like I will be found out at any moment. Strangely it’s the same for the rest of my life, I speak to people younger than myself, who seem so in control, they have well behaved, intelligent children and their own homes and cars, and to me they are the adults, even when in some cases I am probably old enough to be their parent. I don’t think I will ever feel like I’ve done a reasonable job. I worry about everything nowadays, you wouldn’t believe it to look at me, but give me a scenario and I can pick it to death, finding every risk and issue, every challenge and difficulty, that’s why I am so organised. It hasn’t managed to make me particularly risk averse though, I will still have a go even when I think I might break my legs, which may be stupidity but my reasoning fails me and I assume that I need to do something because everyone else is, or can. Trouble is that I forget I’m a terribly unfit, more than middle aged, overweight misery guts, with a number of health conditions that mean I should be more careful; and whilst the water slide was worth it, trying to get out of the rubber ring at the end, in front of gaping onlookers, was not.